Why Does My Mind Go Blank When I’m Talking to Others?
Sometimes it’s hard to make small talk with others, especially if you’re an introvert.
Let me tell you about one of my most memorable experiences when I had difficulty speaking to another person just when I needed it most.
I had just started a job as a project coordinator for one of the Division Directors of a large communications company.
Initially, I worked closely with the lead engineer of one of the Director’s teams. She showed me the ropes and told me what to expect when I finally met the Director, who had been traveling on business for three weeks. She explained that he was extremely talented and had a very strong personality. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about meeting him.
Although I felt very secure with my ability to handle the position, I struggled, as always, with my extremely introverted personality.
On the day I finally met the Director, he arrived in the office mid-morning and was eager to meet me. He strode over to my desk, pulled up a chair, and in his most extroverted manner, went about getting to know me.
One of the questions he asked was what I had been doing the previous two years while I was not working. (I had been enjoying some richly deserved de-stress and recreation time). To my chagrin, my mind went completely blank. It was as if a dark shroud had been rudely yanked over the back half of my brain.
For all intents and purposes, it appeared I had no idea what I had been doing for those two years, let alone have a fascinating story to tell about that time. I stuttered and stammered for a few seconds, and sensing my discomfort, he graciously moved on.
The conversation continued, but alas, did not improve.
It was no surprise that from then on, after that less-than-brilliant opening performance, I typically got tongue-tied whenever I had face-to-face interactions with him. Thank goodness he traveled frequently!
Perhaps only a fellow introvert can understand why I flopped into bed, thoroughly exhausted, almost every night of the workweek.
Let’s talk about 4 reasons introverts sometimes have proverbial “tied tongues.” Then let’s go through some tips for how to avoid those “ties.”
Introverts often have problems talking to others, especially when in a group. You are not alone.
You may often feel intimidated and overwhelmed by others in the group, especially if the others are extroverts who always seem to have a story on the tip of their tongues. You can sometimes avoid this feeling of intimidation by taking an active stance.
Practice being open to meeting and talking with new people or even the people you know but feel uncomfortable around. Simple things, like being ready with a warm smile. Make a special effort to say, “Hello,” to people you know and to strangers, and perhaps send out a friendly, “Enjoy your day!” to those who acknowledge you in return.
What’s the takeaway?
My advice is to be prepared for those conversations, especially when you know you will be attending a social function. What I mean by that is – before leaving for your event, take several deep breaths and picture in your mind a light-hearted discussion that goes well – one where you are animated, laughing, and in control of your anxiety level.
During that imagined conversation, see yourself maintaining eye contact, keeping your body language-neutral, and as always – keep breathing!
Recognize that introverts need time alone to re-energize.
It’s just a fact – introverts need peaceful, quiet, alone time to recharge their energy level. With an energy store that’s very depleted, it is very hard to have a clear mind. Extroverts, on the other hand, need to experience time with other people to re-energize their batteries.
Therefore, it stands to reason that extroverts have more experience than introverts do at making chit-chat or initiating group conversations. More practice means more skill.
What’s the takeaway?
You may hate to hear this advice, but the best way to not feel awkward speaking to others you’re not comfortable with is to simply practice. Say something pleasant to random people you meet on the street, and you’ll be surprised how good you feel when you see you’ve made someone else’s day!
Introverts often prefer their own company
Introverts are usually very inward-focused and may have in-depth conversations in their minds most of the time. As you discover more about introverts and extroverts, you will learn that preferring to be alone all the time may become a weakness introverts need to be aware of, and they must work to forge friendships with others. We all need secure relationships and need to be able to live in closeness with others.
What’s the takeaway?
Many introverts have learned to balance “people time” with “alone time.” But many introverts struggle with balancing the two. I know I can now do much better at permitting myself to take whatever time I need, and do whatever activities help me recharge so that I am ready to go back out and take on the people in my outer limits. Make sure that you are getting the quiet time you need and deserve. But be careful you don’t go overboard and become a loner or hermit.
Introverts prefer listening over talking
My husband, the extrovert to my introvert, is often confused when I don’t say much, especially in social situations. He sometimes thinks I’m angry or rude. I’m not mad – usually – and I try very hard not to be rude.
The truth is, I just don’t like chit-chat, but I do love listening to meaningful conversation. Listening is just one of the things I’m good at. And I’m okay with that. I’ll practice my speaking skills, yes, but I won’t apologize for my enjoyment of listening. And neither should you!
What’s the takeaway?
Listening is a valuable social skill. Don’t trade it for anything. But do work on improving your speaking skills. Try some of the activities – listed above in Item #1 – where you imagine yourself in a successful conversation. Practice those tips. Professional athletes do it all the time when they want to improve a skill!
So, before we end our conversation, let’s go over where we’ve been.
I listed 4 reasons why introverts feel awkward talking to others:
- Introverts often have trouble talking to others, especially when in a group.
Before leaving for your event, imagine an experience where you are successful in speaking with others and you enjoy yourself greatly. - Introverts need time alone to re-energize.
Don’t skip on taking the time you need to regain any energy deficit you may have attained over the recent past. Anxiety exacerbates the problem of not feeling comfortable with others. To avert this, be very intentional about your alone time. When it’s time for the event, whatever type it is, you’ll be positive, prepared and excited to try out your new skills. - Introverts often prefer their own company.
Many introverts have learned to balance “people time” and “alone time.” Because introverts are inward-focused, they don’t have as great a need as an extrovert does to be with and talk to other people. And that’s fine. Do not feel guilty about that. Just be who you are. You don’t have to be an extrovert to make friends and enjoy yourself with others. - Introverts prefer listening over talking.
Many introverts simply don’t like talking, but they do love listening, and they are usually quite good at it. Don’t ever give up listening for the sake of speaking more. Practice your speaking skills, yes. But remember that both speaking and listening are excellent and necessary conversational skills for meaningful communications.
Keep in mind this is only a partial list of reasons why introverts have problems speaking to others.